No device is showing up

[Cribby]

I am on Windows 8.1, and I have realized that the whole system of updates seems messed up on my brand new computer. Online it says many people have been experiencing this. Windows 8 is so trashy man, but I think I finally did as much as I could without bringing my computer to someone. Dolphin is still not letting me assign buttons to keys, and there is still no device showing up.